I don't really know why I'm writing this down, considering you'll never come across it. You probably don't even remember I made u a carrd on your 17th. But there's nowhere else I can let these feelings out. You've said all the things I should've heard, but there's still so much left on my end that’s unsaid. It's not that you didn't give me a chance— I just couldn't find the courage. I was afraid of how you'd react.I know this might give the impression that I haven’t felt cared for or loved, and that I’m refusing to move on from you and give other relationships a chance, but that’s not entirely true. Trust me, there’s nothing I hate more than still having feelings for you. Ik ik "hate" is a strong word, but I really mean it this time. I’ve been with other people, good ones, and I’ve come to realize I just don’t want that anymore.Even if you ended up here, I get that things have changed. I have no way of knowing but I’ll assume you're just curious. If this messes with your head, I'm sorry. You don't have to keep reading. You’ll get weirded out and start questioning why u ever dated me so if u feel like texting me to say how weird this all is and then blocking me, don’t. I’m not keeping tabs on you. I get worried occasionally but i don’t stalk u.Just to be clear, this isn't an attempt to provoke you to get in touch with me again.I'm writing this in 2023 in August, but I’m not sure when I’ll stop if I’m being honest.It's the first birthday u didn't wish me on and i didn't get to wish u on yours. As times goes by you'll forget about my bday and I hope I can forget about yours. But might take me longer, yours is just 2 days after mine lol

So, let's go back to the beginning, right? You were like the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've grown and learnt so much because of you. I've changed a lot, my mindset, my goals, my understanding and perspective on stuff. I'm still not sure if it was worth it though. I don't know if experiencing just a few months of happiness was worth the lifetime of hurt.To be honest it just feels like some kind of twisted deal. I never felt that amount of happiness with anyone again, and i know i never ever will.Leading up to the break up, so many things happened. We were always like an on and off thing, despite of how much we loved eachother, and it was tiring. At one point I was the one who asked you to stop loving me and move on, so I can't really complain about it. I was just tired of everything and needed a break that u refused to give me because u didn't want to have to wait for me. Random but i was at the dentist’s when we had that conversation. Now whenever I step into a dentist clinic, I’m reminded of you. You weren't wrong that day tho. I'm not going to blame u. You deserved to go ahead in life and find happiness.i remember how I'd rant to u about my problems and feelings and you'd have to wake up to those texts. I feel very guilty about it. You were only 16, and I put you through so much. That isn’t how relationships are supposed to be like. This is one thing that i will regret forever.Towards the end of our relationship you were struggling with other things. But when u did move on, I started questioning my reality. It was so hard to believe how u could move on within a month after breaking up with me. Someone who would talk to me as soon as they woke up and right before they went to bed?? how could u start loving someone else to the point u forgot about us and what we had and not even be bothered enough to let me know. u would always say u wouldn't be able to build that with anyone else. And I felt stupid for ever thinking no one else could come close to what we had."I'm scared of the day when...." Yk everything i phrased that way, when i was with u actually ended up happening? seeing all my "what ifs" come true without having you by my side for support was so terrifying. I mean, it's always been easy for people to just toss me aside. I've only ever had people leave me and i really wasn't expecting u to be one of them. It's my fault tho, for expecting u to be any different than others. For having any expectations from you. I wasn't angry or thought of u as a bad person... You were good to me for the most part of the relationship. It's just... I was confused. You held so much significance in my life.Back in early July 2021, i remember telling u "I hope you find someone who brings more positivity than negativity in your life." I remember it word for word because I cried so much after saying it to the point i fell sick. It felt so weird because the only other time I felt that way was when I missed my dad during his work trips, never because of anyone else. Yk i felt really anxious and couldn’t stop crying when u were getting treated like that by your aunt when u went to California. I swear if i could, i would catch a flight just to give u the fluffiest and softest pillows ever. I would offer u everything that i possibly could. You texted me after hours and i was so worried about u. Again, I’m not trying to make u feel guilty or smth i’m just letting u know that i always cared even if i was a shitty partner. I was stuck between wanting you to find someone new and not wanting that at all because at times like that i wouldn’t be able to protect u or defend u. I could never physically be there for u.You joked that you hated me, but I was serious when I said that if you fell in love with someone else while you were in California, I'd hate you more for it. But the truth is, I couldn't even fall out of love with you, let alone hate you for leaving me.That year, half of July, I lost count of how many times you said you loved me and then said you hated me. You expressed so much love and hatred after breaking up with me until 21st of july 2021. And then by August 21st, you were already in love with someone else. I wish i wouldn’t have found out. That’s when I messaged you on Insta. We had a conversation about this the last time we talked, and i said that i didn’t remember much. I lied. But other than that i don’t think i’ve ever lied to u. But i do regret not staying closed off until the end. I don’t think it was worth letting u know anything about me. Makes me sick to my stomach that someone across the world knows anything about me at all. The fact that it’s you. The fact that it’s someone i wished to spend my life with. The fact that it’s someone so out of my reach now. I regret ever letting u in. But if i wouldn’t have opened up i think i would’ve caused the relationship to end way before it actually did. That thought also haunts me. I didn’t know i could have hopes for the future. I didn’t know I was capable of wanting to live just because I felt like living is worth it if I have this person by my side.Up until 19th of july u kept telling me to ask u out even though u were the one who broke up with me (i have it written down too). Guess that’s one thing we have in common, we both love intensely. You started talking to Eros (remember that name?) on 19th august, u had it written down somewhere too. I didn’t talk about this last time because i didn’t want u to remember i was the one who kept refusing to get back together after u broke up with me. You seemed to have forgotten half of the stuff that happened the last time we talked about our past. I don’t have a great memory, but I think this stuff affected me so much I just couldn’t forget the dates.I regret not asking you out again when you kept asking multiple times. You were literally so impatient to get back together with me. It sounds like a dream now. It’s so embarrassing because I’m also the one who kept loving and missing you the longest.I think i never actually got around to telling you the real reason, right? I might put it vaguely by saying that I don’t see myself reaching a point in life where I’ll be happy or comfortable. Ever. If i know i can’t love myself in my current state and in the future, it would've been unfair to drag someone i love into my own misery. You deserve better things.I felt like if u meet me u wouldn’t like me. Plus, u gave it a lot of thought before breaking up with me that time. I still remember how hesitant my hailey was. I felt like i was holding you back that’s why i made the decision to not ask u out ever again while u kept asking me to. The timezone was the biggest fucking issue i swear, but I started having issues with communicating again because u would take everything i said the wrong way, and i kept getting anxious thinking of what to say. That’s why i wouldn’t respond for hours on end.Later when we got in touch again, somewhere in early September of 2021, u said the break up was selfish, and i kept telling u it wasn’t. Hopefully u don’t have that mindset anymore. Prioritizing yourself is important.Listen, i don’t want to give u unsolicited advice bc it’ll make me sound like an asshole, but make sure u get to know the other person well before going all in with love. You give a lot when you’re in love, and u sometimes overlook your own worth. Please don’t let that happen again. Don’t get offended, you know yourself better than anyone. I just don’t want u to get hurt, that’s all.Also, during that time in sept we became friends again and u asked me how i even found out u started liking someone else because u blocked me everywhere and all your accounts were private. I didn’t have an answer to that back then, and i don’t have an answer to that now either. I don’t have psychic powers. In fact i consider myself as the most clueless and dumb person to ever exist. But i somehow always sensed it when u started liking someone else. I don’t have a sixth sense or some shit like that so using that term just feels weird, but this has happened 2 times already. I don’t feel comfortable elaborating on that tho. it’s just a weird unsettling feeling that i get.I don’t want to sound like I know everything about you or like I’m trying to tell you what’s best for u. That’s not my intention. I’m just sharing how I felt when I found out both the times, and it also doesn’t mean I think it’s a bad thing for you.I’m not a stalker. I already have a lot to remember u by so i don’t stalk u. I never saved any of your pics when we dated because i didn’t know if u would be comfy with that. I kind of regret it, but it’s okay. I probably have pics of mango and pumpkin somewhere in my camera roll. I don’t want to look back and have regrets so i don’t look at old stuff.Yk sometimes i feel like i deprived u of experiencing a “real” relationship during your mid and late teenage years because u had to date me. I know it was your choice to, but u did mention wanting to move on and finding someone real (we were still dating). Someone u could hug to be specific. I felt so hurt that day but i didn’t let u know.There was a time when you'd miss me to the point you'd cry even when i would be right there talking to u, but i don't even cross your mind anymore. But that's just how things go, right? That's life. People change, they move on. And u did too.It's hard for me to believe i once said things like "i want to have a baby with you" "i want to have a family with you". I can't even imagine myself having any of that anymore. Believe me I’m not waiting for u to come back but I don’t want to have it with anyone else haileyIf i put together all the sadness and hurt i felt because of you it is nothing compared to the happiness u once made me feel. I'll be honest, if by some twist of fate you showed up in my life again, I'd be more than willing to set aside all the hurt i went through. Not saying that will happen but nothing compares to when my heart felt so full of love and care for u it actually felt like it could burst. It was so real. I wasn't saying it metaphorically, my emotions and love for you literally felt so intense that it made me overwhelmed. I don’t like big emotions but that felt so comfortable.I’ve accepted that it will never happen. I ruined love for u once so it’s impossible.I think I can be honest here. It doesn’t feel good admitting it, but you’ve made me cry a lot, Hailey. Both when we were together and even when we weren't. This is the first time I've said this i think? Not that it matters now, but I just wanted to say it.I remember once u tweeted how the "🥺" emoji had grown on u because u started using it for me and how u used to find it so cringe before.
THAT to outgrowing us in the end.
Things have changed so much.I sounded like such a misogynist person when we became friends again and i understand if that would've been another reason why u didn't want me in ur life anymore. I’m usually fine, but when i stay in touch with u my past bothers me even tho you’re not in it. Idky. Is there a psychological reason behind that? I guess I’ll never know.I’m not going to excuse myself by blaming my past. I know I have issues I need to deal with, and I hope you understand I would never bring a woman down just because I was hurt by the ones in my life. As much as I hate to admit it, I was born this way, so there’s no point in hating women. I understand their struggles because i go through them as well. Yk when I find myself repeatedly getting hurt, it feels like a test to learn to love what I despise about myself when I see it in others. I know that sounds complex, but that’s the only way i can word it that makes sense. If I don’t love that about myself, how can I love it when I see it mirrored in others? I don't have any hatred towards the gender itself because I’ve loved a woman throughout most of my teenage years. I’ve loved her at 14, at 15, at 16, at 17, and now at 18. Despite not having that consistency returned, all i ever wanted was for her to be happy and do well in life. ** Slams fists on desk ** That sounds pathetic asf but It made me realize that i actually don’t hate women.Sometimes I wonder how the Hailey I knew back then would react if she saw me right now. It makes me believe that it was for the best that you fell out of love with me, if you ever were in love with me in the first place. I would've hated to see you get hurt, even the slightest bit. It’s true that I've hurt you a lot in the past, intentionally or unintentionally, but so have you, so that's fair ig? I don’t like knowing i’ve ever hurt u it doesn’t feel good I’m sorryI did every possible thing to move on from u. I even thought getting physical with someone would make me forget about u. One of my biggest fears. But guess what? I was wrong.I felt out of it every time. And it felt like i was cheating on you, even though it had been so long since we broke up.It was 11 November when u said u didn't want me in your life anymore (wasn't the first time but final fs lol) and then on the 13th that guy showed up in my life and i thought well maybe this means something yk? I thought it could be a way for me to forget about u, but I didn't even like him and I found myself being taken advantage of so i broke it off. There was someone else too after that, but i’ve decided to just focus on my studies for now cause getting into this stuff feels really unnecessary.But It made me remember how u said you'd always protect me. Please don’t get pissed off, this isn’t to blame you or anything, it’s just a fond memory that i look back on.It's had been 6 months when I last wrote something here. But I came back again and. now it's been about a year and 7 months. That's nearly 2 years? I don't think it's the first time we went that long without talking. But i guess it is. I dunno. Does it even matter anymore?
I just added stuff inbetween. If by chance u read it, you'll probably find super childish comments or explanations. I can't remember what I wrote before. And I'm too scared to read anything because I'll delete everything. I bet it's all embarassing stuff, and it's not like you're going to read it anyway so who cares? This is the last thing I'll ever say related to u and I'm just going to disappear off of social media suddenly someday. This is all that's going to be there. I'm not expecting anything out of this... It's kind of like an outlet? Idrk. I think. I don't even want u to read it

I sound all cringey, but In some of my rock bottom moments, I remembered how u said to me that you would protect me. You definitely don't remember this. But u said you would protect me from others. But it wasn't your responsibility. It literally never was. And I'm grateful for all the while u did take care of me. Although I hate myself I'm gonna admit it, it was painful to go through that, knowing the person who I had so much of my future planned with, I was just going to have to let go. But our future was something I was really looking forward to. Ofc it wasn't the same for you, but, for me, it was the only aim in my life, backing up my other goals like studying and everything else, because I wanted to do it all for you, so I could have a stable future with you, each goal and task felt like there was a meaningful reason behind it even tho I had no energy for any of it. I had a reason. It just didn’t feel nice getting all that snatched away from meIn the beginning, I was hurt and devastated. But I was genuinely happy when you found that guy who made you happy. I never thought of being friends just to get back with you. My intentions were never wrong. I did have this tiniest hope in my heart that maybe, in the future when I grew up and went abroad, we could meet again. But deep down I knew it just wasn't possible. I never wanted to get inbetween u and someone else at any point.I don't know what it is about you, Hailey, but no matter how wrongly you treated me, I'll never be able to hate you or feel anything close to even disliking you. I'll always remember you as someone who was once my happy place. My home.I still remember how much I felt for you but I can't quite remember u. It's like there's fragments of you somewhere in the back of my mind. I don’t think it’s a bad thing tho. But I still have so much love for you, hailey. I always have. I always will. That's one thing my heart has always been certain of, and it has never let me down.It’s surprising to me because i am the type of person who is always unsure about everything.I’m not writing this to blame u for anything or to seek forgiveness. I hope you’re doing well and finding happiness in whatever you’re doing now.I turned 18, and i still believe it’s not a milestone worth celebrating. I wish i could just not..grow. It’s a lil scary yk. I’ve found healthier ways to cope with stuff, that’s progress i think? not that u would care but i wish i could tell u this in person myself. But i don’t think I’ll ever get to do that. Sad, right?I’ll admit this for the last time, i do miss u. A lot. I know I shouldn’t be saying this because by the time you read this, you’ve probably moved way ahead in life, but it’s the last time I’ll say it. I won’t sit around dwelling on the past (at least not every day). July has always been tough because it's the start of a new academic year (social anxiety skyrockets!), did i tell u the other reason too? I think so. But I miss you the most during Septembers and Decembers. Sometimes even January. There are bits of u scattered across the most random dates on my calendar. You probably know why, or maybe you don’t. Anyway, I’ll stop talking now.I'm thinking back to the 14 year old me who cared about you, and loved you so much. And guess what? That feeling stuck around till now. Even after everything that happened. If we ever cross paths again, you won’t recognize me, but I hope I'll be able to pass on a smile, even if it means I'll have to turn and walk away from you once again. You'll forever hold a special place in my heart, bff. Take care.
Goodbye, hailey.~ someone you once knew.